Its problematic if you set a boundary and the other person keeps pushing when you’ve said no and asked them drop it. Also, they don’t have a right to that information and it has no materiality to them anyway but those are not necessary for you to set a boundary and insist they respect it
If you can’t say no to her about something this simple, it will be worse when actually real and complicated life shit happens and you need to say no while the relationship is out of practice in accepting and honoring it when such tests and situations arise.
It really is that simple. You refuse to play the game (which you have no way of knowing if it is or isnt a game or test so its pointless to risk it anyway) and you offer yourself as you are now and ask that she does the same as she is now without looking back
Orfeo et Erudice is a good example of why you never look back lol
Edit: just want to comment on the lying part. Lies suck because they hand over control of your entire being over to someone else that you low or high key will feel the need to comply with to avoid detection. Its the cheapest and shittiest way to deal with a situation because it basically means you’re willing to sign over your autonomy and freedom and being authentic over to someone else whom you felt you couldn’t answer or respond to truthfully.
The truth is, you don’t ever have to lie if you choose not to, you can always say some form of I can’t answer that or its none of their business or you will talk with them about it in the future when you are ready.
Lying sucks on all sides of a relationship and its better to just refuse to answer or politely decline than ever have to track a single other lie again. Lying makes you a slave to people you wouldn’t otherwise defer to and that makes it just terrible. If you’ve lied to someone you love, try to find a way to save face and bury it and move on so you’re not worried about it. You can unilaterally decide not to address it in the future and that may be better but closure should always be the highest ideal you work towards.
“I’m allowed to lie to you and then set a boundary that you can’t probe the lie when you sense something is amiss” is some top-tier manipulation. You skipped straight past D and A, and came with RVO right out of the gate.
If you had said pretty much exactly what you said, but then followed it up with “But of course, you forfeited your right to police the other person’s behavior when you started lying to them about important things, so none of this generally-sensible advice applies in your case” I would actually agree with you. Nothing in the advice is really totally off-base. But, also, don’t lie about big stuff.
I wouldn’t say lying that you have an ex that you don’t actually have is a “big lie.” I mean yeah its a lie he shouldn’t have made, but I wouldn’t call it a big lie or even an important one. It does set a precedence of lying, which is bad, but the lie itself is one that really holds no weight on tge relationship (besides the act of lying in of itself). However the partner is not beyond fault either. Being this pushy about an ex is (I feel) a red flag. In the end, both parties involved are being stupid and toxic and probably just shouldn’t be together in the first place cause it will just escalate unless they can grow enough as people.
No.
Its problematic if you set a boundary and the other person keeps pushing when you’ve said no and asked them drop it. Also, they don’t have a right to that information and it has no materiality to them anyway but those are not necessary for you to set a boundary and insist they respect it
If you can’t say no to her about something this simple, it will be worse when actually real and complicated life shit happens and you need to say no while the relationship is out of practice in accepting and honoring it when such tests and situations arise.
It really is that simple. You refuse to play the game (which you have no way of knowing if it is or isnt a game or test so its pointless to risk it anyway) and you offer yourself as you are now and ask that she does the same as she is now without looking back
Orfeo et Erudice is a good example of why you never look back lol
Edit: just want to comment on the lying part. Lies suck because they hand over control of your entire being over to someone else that you low or high key will feel the need to comply with to avoid detection. Its the cheapest and shittiest way to deal with a situation because it basically means you’re willing to sign over your autonomy and freedom and being authentic over to someone else whom you felt you couldn’t answer or respond to truthfully.
The truth is, you don’t ever have to lie if you choose not to, you can always say some form of I can’t answer that or its none of their business or you will talk with them about it in the future when you are ready.
Lying sucks on all sides of a relationship and its better to just refuse to answer or politely decline than ever have to track a single other lie again. Lying makes you a slave to people you wouldn’t otherwise defer to and that makes it just terrible. If you’ve lied to someone you love, try to find a way to save face and bury it and move on so you’re not worried about it. You can unilaterally decide not to address it in the future and that may be better but closure should always be the highest ideal you work towards.
What?
“I’m allowed to lie to you and then set a boundary that you can’t probe the lie when you sense something is amiss” is some top-tier manipulation. You skipped straight past D and A, and came with RVO right out of the gate.
If you had said pretty much exactly what you said, but then followed it up with “But of course, you forfeited your right to police the other person’s behavior when you started lying to them about important things, so none of this generally-sensible advice applies in your case” I would actually agree with you. Nothing in the advice is really totally off-base. But, also, don’t lie about big stuff.
I wouldn’t say lying that you have an ex that you don’t actually have is a “big lie.” I mean yeah its a lie he shouldn’t have made, but I wouldn’t call it a big lie or even an important one. It does set a precedence of lying, which is bad, but the lie itself is one that really holds no weight on tge relationship (besides the act of lying in of itself). However the partner is not beyond fault either. Being this pushy about an ex is (I feel) a red flag. In the end, both parties involved are being stupid and toxic and probably just shouldn’t be together in the first place cause it will just escalate unless they can grow enough as people.